I thought time would change how I feel. I thought I’d get over it somehow if I let time pass by. I thought it’d be different this time. But no. Things are still the same. You’re still you. Im still me. You still look at me the same way. The feeling’s still there. I’m still trying to fight it and I still can’t.

I didnt expect to see you today. I was hoping but I wasnt expecting. When I arrived and realized the OR was quiet, I was quite sure someone I hoped to be there wasnt around. I looked around and found one room occupied by an ongoing surgery. I was pretty sure you werent there so I went back to the waiting room to sit down and think how fate never wanted our paths to cross again. I later came to a conclusion that maybe this was what’s best for everyone. No one gets hurt, no one gets left behind and no one finds out because there’s no more business to finish. You forget about me and i forget about you. No strings attached.

Or so i thought.

After the early surgery was done, the OR was busy again. Nurse aids, nurses and doctors were buzzing around like any other day. Then I heard a familiar voice, looking for our CI, complaining why she’s always comes late and how we always miss cases cause she’s always not around.

I couldnt believe my eyes when I saw you at the door. My heart was beating so fast although I tried to stay calm and act like nothing’s wrong. Fate did want us to meet again. Maybe fate wanted me to have one last chance to see you before I let everything go. Maybe fate wanted to give me one last chance to do what I’d been wanting to do eversince the last time we parted ways. Maybe I’ve been given a chance to really say goodbye, although not aloud, just to myself, just so I know that after this day, everything will be fine and my life would get back to normal and I’d be able to look at NOPH and think of it as nothing but a hospital and not think that there’s someone in there I’d really like to see.

I had wanted to catch you alone. Not to talk to you. Just to look at you straight in the eye one last time and hope you get the message. But everyone was busy. I didnt have the chance. You were busy. We were far away. Soon, you had another surgery that kept you in that room til lunchtime.

After the surgery, you had lunch and we had fallen asleep in the spare room. I woke up groggy from my short nap and realized I was running out of time. I went out of the room to check what everyone was doing. I didnt find you in any of the rooms so I thought you might have gone out for lunch. I walked straight to the dressing room not expecting to find you in the nurses’ quarters. But I did. And you smiled. It was awkward but it was enough to bring my groggy self back to my senses. It wasnt like I did something to please you, you just smiled. It happened in a snap and I didnt know how to react. By the time I remembered to smile back, you could no longer see me. You may have thought, or you may forever think that I ignored you and that i never smiled back. You may have been offended with the thought that I ignored you, and you may not know it, but I smiled back. I dont care if that other doctor wondered what I was doing in the dressing room just standing there and not doing anything, I needed time time digest what just happened.

From that moment on, I’d been trying to find the chance to catch you unoccupied and alone. But that moment never came. You went on ignoring me, and I went on like I didnt need anything from you. I’d been wanting to approach you to have you sign my scrubs on my bluebook and at the same time, give myself a time to let go of everything. I dont know, but somehow, I just wanted to get the chance to look you straight in the eye for one last time. Just that, and nothing else. It doesnt mean anything, and it especially doesnt mean that I want you to in my life. I just needed to look at you. Soon you went to lie down on your bed and fell asleep. I feared that when you wake up, you’d be groggy and go home right away. But I never lost hope, i patiently waited for your shift to finish and for you to get up and go to the nurses’ quarters. At this point, I was willing to approach you whether or not you were alone. But you never got up. You remained asleep. We left and you never woke up.

I didnt get the chance to look at you one last time. I never got the chance to say goodbye in my own little way. I dont know if fate is ever gonna bring our paths together again. I dont know if fate will ever allow that ever again. I cant lie to myself, I have to admit I’d still want to see you one last time. ust one last time. Just enough to convince myself that I really have to let it go. Just once.

But if fate has other plans for us, then it was nice seeing you…for the last time. I may not have made you feel that you mattered to me, but you did, and you still do. You may think that Ive ignored you even during the past month, but I didnt. You may have no idea how you much you mean to me, and you may feel that you didnt matter and you didnt exist in my world. But I hope someday you’ll know, that there was once a time in my life that I thought of you more than anything.

I may not have any means to let this message reach you, but I hope somehow, someday, you’d feel that you once mattered to me.

Right now m back to convincing myself that its wrong and it was never meant to be. I go back to reminding myself that he’s married, he has a kid and a family to take care of and i’d just be someone who messes up a family and a child’s future. It seems to be working right now. I just have to cinvince myself more to stop thinking so much about it.

I KNOW IT’S WRONG. I swear, I really do. But sometimes the heart just finds a way to contradict what the mind dictates. And it gets harder when the heart tries to fight for what it wants, even if it knows its wrong.

The thought of it makes me cringe yet the thought of letting it go makes me sad. I know its stupid to like a person Ive only known for 2 days, especially when you know he’s married and has a kid. Pero it’s not what you think. You see, nagduty mi sa OR, and there’s this nurse who’s noisy, funny and witty. He’s not physically attractive [mind you, he reminds me of my high school math teacher, Mr. Patrimonio, so I hope you get the picture] but he makes everyone laugh. He doesnt seem intimidating eventhough he’s a staff nurse already, unlike other nurses who makes you feel inferior just because you’re a student and they’re staff nurses. HE jokes around with other students like we were his coleagues.

It all started last Wednesday, katong first mi nagcompletion duty sa OR. Sa morning pa lang daan, napansin na nako siya pero dili crush-pansin, medyo hanga lang kay sayo pa gani sa buntag, langas na kaayo siya. Most nurses man gud, kalma pa basta sayo pero siya, hyper na kaayo. And dilipud siya mukhang strikto, dili murag ubang nurse na mahadlok ka muduol. Approachable siya. And wow, nakaearings pa hehehe.Medyo wala lang ra siya naginteract namo sa morning kay wala manpud mi procedures kaayo. Sa afternoon na nagsugod, katong nag-assist na si Rizza and Faye sa craniotomy. Siya man ang staff nurse sa procedure so siya ang naginstruct nilang Rizza. Bisan di mi apil sa procedure, naa lang gihapon mi sa room kay first time man namo makawitness ug craniotomy. While nagprepare ming tanan sa OR room, sige sila joke ni Dr. R[emotigue]. If muquestion ug lessons si Dr.R, iya mi ipagtanggol like “they’re here to learn, not to be insulted”, pero jokejoke lang nila ni Dr.R. And all the while, naa siya’y mga side comments bout nursing principles and ubang info bout anything nursing like if mag-gloving siya, he’d always say “skin to skin, glove to glove”. mga simple things ra pero helpful. Then while nagperform na sila s craniotomy, sige lang gihapon silang jokejoke sa mga nurse and doctors. And nagpapicture pa sila nako pero nakamask silang tanan so di gihapon maklaro. After sa procedure, nagcopy ko sa details sa akong minor case that morning sa logbook. Then niagi siya sa door, suddenly niduol siya sa table then iya gilantaw ako name plate sabay ingon “Hi Mar!” then sige ra siyag lantaw so nikataw lang ko but wala ko nilantaw niya. So nihawa siya. Nashock lang ko kay dili bya mi kaila and wa pa sad ko nakaassist ug operation with him as a staff nurse. After a few minutes, nagcharting ko sa cranio patient since ako man an circulating nurse. while writing, niduol na sad siya and asked “wala pa ka nahuman Mar?” then niask si mam Montojo ngano daw then he said para maka-sign na siya kay muuli na siya. Then mam said na uli nalang daw siya then ipacountersign ra niya ug doctor. So nilakaw na siya.

The next day, last day na sad namo, siya gihapon ang nurse. AS ususal, sayo pa gani, jokejoke na siya. Kami ni Jess ang assist and instrument nurse sa first major case then siya ang staff nurse na dapat muscrub. While nagprepare nami ni Jess sa instruments, sige siya duol sa akong table and sige paminuang like “wow,maayo jud ni si mar o, swito na jud ni siya” pero ngee, wa ra ba jud koy gibuhat. Ending, wa ra siya ni scrub kay huot na kaayo sa room kay 3 ka doctors ang nagoparate pero newborn ra ang pasyente plus kami ni jess the naa pa volunteer nurse plus ang anesthesiologist pa. So naa ra siya sa daplin tig instruct namo ni Jess. All the while jokejoke lang japon siya so sadya ra gihapon among operation but serious na siya pag magcounting na ug intruments.

After sa operation, while naghubo mi ug gown ni Jess, ingon si mam na “humota nimo uy! Kinsa dagway imong gipahumotan diri!” The ni singit si jess nga “naa jud mam, naa man kuno na siyay crush diri!” then ingon si mam “ay mao diay!” Abi ni mam siya akong crush so iyang gipangutana OUT LOUD [as in naa siya sa isa ka room then si mam naa sa kitchen dapit] if available pa ba siya, then he shouted back “minyo na”..then shagit sad si mam nako “ms.hermoso, minyo na daw!” Wa ko kadungog nga gipangutana sya ni mam so wala dayon ko kasabot when mam tol me na minyo na daw, then I realized, wala nay laing gidudahan si mam so you can just imagine my shock and embarassment!! makaulaw kaayo!! daghan pa jud nakadungog! Gi mention pa jud akong name!! Pero wa nakoy mabuhat so painosente effect nalang ko. Pero makaulaw jud.

After a few inutes, gi-wheel in na ang patient ni Rizza for minor surgery na tendon repair. Siya gihapon ang muscrub nga nurse with the volunteer nurse gihapon na chubby na guy and 3 doctors. So while nagprepare sila sa sulod, naa lang mi sa gawas nga table with Jess, Arch and Ate tess kay si Faye man ang circu ni Rizza. Then niabot na tong crush ni Arch na si Dr. Mark and naa na sad siya sa suold. Giclose nila ang door sa room so dili sila madungog sa room. Paglantaw nako ni Rizza, nisenyas siya na “regards daw siya”. So wala ra sad nako gitagad. I assumed na feeling na siya kay basi nituo siya ni mam nga nacrush ko niya. So nilingkod ko balik. Then gisenyasan napod ko usob sa Dr. nga crush ni Arch sa window, iya ko gipaduol sa door, then ask siya if muscrub ba ko, ingon ra ko nga dili then lingi siya ni nurse the ingon siya “di ra daw siya muscrub bai”…ngee yaga2x ra jud. Then ila napod giclose ang door, pero obvious ra gihapon nga ila ko gibinuangan kay katong crush ni Arch, sige katawa while talking with Mam and siga pa jud tudlo nako. Che! Then paggawas ni mam, ingon siya nako with a confused face “regards daw siya nimo! unsa gud, ikaw nacrush niya or siya nacrush nimo?” Ingon rapud ko nga dili to tinuod and namakak ra si Jess. After ato, wala nako kabalo unsay nahitabo kay gipa circu napod ko sa minor case ni te Tess. Mga 2pm nami naka lunch kay dugay man nahuman ang case and sabay rapod mi nahuman ni Rizza so kami lang 3 ang naulahi ug lunch.

Pagbalik namo sa OR, ingon si mam na pasudlon nako kay hapit na magsugo ang CS case namo ni Arch. Pagsulod nako, siya napod ang staff ang mu-scrub sa among case. This time, medyo nailang nako niya kay naulaw ko na maybe nakaingon siya nga tinuod tong giingon ni mam sa morning. Pero ok ra gihapon..padayon lang sa pag-assist. He was actually helpful during the procedure. Iya mi ingnon daan kung unsa nga instruments and iprepare kay mao nay pangayuon sa doctor daan. All the while, langas ra gyud gihapon siya while nagperfrom mi sa procedure, pero ok lang, atleast dili kuyaw kaayo. Most of us prefer him to be the nurse nga muscrub kay dili siya isog and di sad kaayo ka makuyawan.

After siya nagcount sa instruments, nag unscrub na siya kay overtime naman to niya, 4pm na gud nahuman ang CS, so wala na siya nihulat na mahuman gyud ug suture, iya ra gisigurado nga comlpete ang instruments and needles before siya nilakaw. Mao na toy last namo nga intercation kay by the time we were done, nilakaw naman siya. Pero around 5 pm, pagkuha nako sa akong bluebook from my bag sa dressing room, timing na nisulod siya sa doctor’s lounge nga atbang sa dressing room. Wala siya kabantay nako sa pikas room so nilakaw rako dayon.

While waiting for Jess and Ate tess na mahuman, nagdiscuss mi ni rizza, faye and arch kabahin sa among mga kulang na scrubs then nag ask mi ni mam kung kinsay pwede nga CI aside from her. Ingon siya si mam hely pero di daw ganahan. We asked kung pwede si sir, pero ingon siya di pud daw siya. Paglakaw ni mam, amo gikuha ang number ni sir sa ilang directory nga gipost sa wall. Gitxtan ni rizza using arch’s phone kung pwede ba daw siya ma ci namo. ila kong gipugos na akong name ang gamiton para daw musugot pero i think its not a good idea. basi pa lamang magexpect siya nga ganahan jud ko niya and or basi pud makaingon siya nga im taking advantage abi kabalo ko nga ganahan siya nako. Nge.

By this time, all of them are teasing me about him kay they think ganahan siya nako. But I believe nga nigawas ra na after gipangutana siya ni mam if minyo ba siya because of me. So i think nakisabay ra na siya abi “na crush daw ko niya”. diba? dont you think?

Pero what’s up with Rizza telling me that he said “chada jud kaayog eyes ni si Mar noh” …”ug smile pud diay”

And what’s up with arch telling me that he said “pretty jud ni sa mar noh”…and that dili daw unta siya muscrub sa CS nga case kay si mam hely ra unta iyang pascrubon pero pagkabalo daw niya nga kami ni arch ang muscrub, wa daw niya gipukaw si mam hely and siya daw ang ni scrub.

I dont want to think anything more of it that what it really is. And I dont want to believe what others say.

Besides, minyo na siya. His wife is also a nurse ga niuna na abroad. Naa na silay anak, infant pa tingali, nga naa pa pud diri. And we all heard nga muapas sila abroad pero wala pa sure kung when, pero definitely, muapas jud sila.

Another thing, he’s a regular OR nurse, so obviously, he sees students come and go. So probably for him, were just another batch of students who’ll complete their scrubs then another one will come and do the same. It’s like that every year. There’s nothing really different between us and the other groups. After we complete our scrubs and leave, malimot ra gihapon na siya namo. Wala gani sigurado nga pagbalik namo sa next duty namo, makahinumdom pa siya namo.

Of course, mapansin jud mi niya kay kami ra man ang student nurses from silliman and isa rapud ka group from St.pauls ang lain nga gaduty. Plus, staff nurse pud didto among CI so friends pud sila so mas close mi niya kaysa sa st.pauls group nga teacher sa st.pauls ang ilang CI. and he knows nga gacompletion mi kay daghan pa kaayo ming kulang bisan graduates nami so mas tabangan gyud mi niya. gets mo?

So what’s really bothering me? Ambot.

Do I like him? Ambot.

Inlove ko? Definitely not.

So unsay problema? Ambot.

Besides, if ever what they’re saying is true and he likes me, there’s no way man pud nga mupatol ko niya kay di ko ganahan mahimong cause sa breakup sa isa ka family. Bisan wala diri iyang wife, I have to follow my principles. Ako ra gihapon ang maulawan in the future. Hooking up with a guy knowing he’s got a family. Luod diba? And I dont want a guy nga mupatol ug lain bisag naa nay pamilya. May nalang unta kung bulag na sila sa asawa, dili ra ba jud. But that’s beside the point. My point is, di ko ganahan nga igive up sa guy ang iyang current relationship para nako kay i dont want that to happen to me pud. Not that Im expecting or hoping to be in a relationship with this guy, i just want to remind myself with the principles that I HAVE TO FOLLOW.

Another thing is, he’s a nurse and Im a student. Dili proper. Its not right. Mura ra nag teacher-student nga luod paminawon.

And besides, we dont even know if he really likes me or he’s just taking advantage of the what he heard that morning. basi na-carried away lang pud siya nga nakadungog siyang naay student nurse nga naganahan niya mao ng nisabay rapud siya.

So that leaves me no space in his world. And I’d like to believe that. Its better that way, so that I can let go off everything.

I want to let it go. I dont want to expect or even think that there’s more to this than what it seems now. I dont want any of this to go any futher than where it is now. I want this to STOP.

Pero it makes me sad.

Give it time.